How Can I Transition From Pressure Orgasms?

Wed, 05/11/2011 - 08:40
Submitted by Betty Dodson

Dr. Betty,

I am 24, and I've just discovered your website today. I am a women who cums through pressure. I first came in kindergarten when shimmying up a pole in the playground. I then learned to cum by squeezing my clasped hands, or a banister, between my legs. I now cum pretty exclusively by pressing my vagina against the arm of an armchair and squeezing my legs. I have learned to slow down the squeezing to delay and strengthen the orgasm, but still I generally cum within 5 minutes.

For a long time I could not cum during penis-vagina-penetration intercourse. Finally, I learned that, once I was stimulated from intercourse, I could cum during sex by riding on top and adding pressure with my hands. I've learned that it feels better to cum with clitoral stimulation and internal pressure too.

My current partner, and the man I'm pretty sure I want to be with for the rest of my life, values our mutual pleasure very much. He loves eating me out, and I love giving head.. we explore anal fingering too, and have recently tried a vibrator, though without much luck just yet... We are not, however, having vaginal-penetration intercourse (though we have in the past). In part, this is because of a past issue of me being attracted to/in-love with someone else during the beginning of our relationship. My boyfriend has explained that penetration with me feels so close emotionally, and makes him feel too vulnerable at this time, when he (we) are still healing from the pain caused by my attraction to another.

Another factor causing us not have intercourse is that he is religious, and believes (which I like) that sex is a joining of souls and a statement of our commitment before God, a statement we aren't quite ready to make just yet. I love that my boyfriend sees spiritual as well as physical pleasure and growth in love-making; I love that he loves oral sex (even though I don't get much out of it when he eats me out); I love that he likes anal, vibrators, etc. Unlike with any previous partner, I feel like he is truly interested in my orgasms, in my pleasure, and I feel like we have such a potential for growth together - sexually, spiritually, etc. When I am in the mood, I can cum several times in a row with him, and feel exhausted and pleased.

The problem is that, as I've said, especially without sex, I can rarely cum with my hands. I can occasionally, if I'm very mentally stimulated - but all I'm doing in these cases, I realize, is using my hands to apply the same force as my body weight on the armchair. This (obviously), takes a lot of effort: my knuckles literally start cracking, my fingers begin to ache - and the orgasm ends up pretty weak. The biggest problem is that recently, this has frustrated me and made me lose interest in love-making. I used to always be wet after a few kisses. Now I get embarrassed when we both discover that even after kissing, stroking outside clothing, for several minutes, I am still dry. I seem to need to apply more and more force to get to orgasm, and afterwards I feel I want to cry out of annoyance.

Regardless of whether or not I had a boyfriend right now, I'd like to learn to transition away from pressure orgasm. And especially since I have a boyfriend with whom I'm not having sex, transitioning away from pressure orgasms would allow me to cum more easily with him, would allow him to finger me to orgasm more easily, etc. While I can just use the chair with him (and do often), learning new orgasms that can involve us both more manually would allow greater intimacy - and will be helpful, too, for when we start having vaginal intercourse sex again.

So - for someone who's had a bazillion pressure orgasms from a young age, who's open to experimenting with herself, but who has tried and repeatedly failed to cum with anything other than strong pressure - how do you recommend I transition? Should I follow your guide for First Time Orgasms, even though it's not my first? Do you have any other key tip? (Side note - I really have trouble stopping my flow of pee once I've started peeing: is this a bad sign? Like - I seem to have trouble locating the appropriate muscles.) Though my boyfriend and I are currently not having sex, could we still benefit from reading your "Orgasms for Two?" And do you think it's a bad idea for us to not have sex now: i.e., in your opinion, is it ok to be exploring each other in all ways but penetration now, and looking forward to that later - or do you think that's unhealthy for the relationship?

Thanks for you advice: I will continue to explore your great website to see what else I find.

C. H.

Dear C,

That's what I'd call a complete sexual history. Well done. There are several sources for you to read. Yes, definitely follow "How to Orgasm." That is how I teach women to begin enjoying sex first with themselves and then with a partner. I also have an essay titled "Upgrading Your Masturbation Technique or Skills." Check out Sex Features on the Nav bar. Changing an old masturbation pattern takes time because like any habit or addiction, it's ingrained. But success eventually follows relative to each person's commitment.

My personal opinion on waiting until marriage to have sex is a big NO. But I am not in favor of any organized religions as I see them as the cause for most, if not all, of society's sexual problems with their prohibitions on sex. This is a personal decision that each of us make. However I do believe we each have our own personal spiritual practice that for me is quite separate from religion.

By all means read "Orgasms for Two." Also read the information under Betty's Vaginal Barbell. You will want to tone your pelvic floor muscles. The PC muscle exercise will become part of your masturbation practice when you are stimulating your clitoris following my directions on "How to Orgasm."

FYI. You and your boyfriend are having sex, it just doesn't include vaginal penetration. To keep that part of your body in shape, you might want to add a dildo with your clit stim. That might help your orgasms and wean you off the arm chair pressure. By the way, this is quite common for many girls when they first discover genital sensations. It takes them forever to discover their clitoris that has 8 thousand nerve endings. Imagine how shocked each clitoris is with that kind of pressure. So be good to her. The best news is that she is quite sturdy and will recover very nicely with a little tender loving care.

Dr. Betty

Liberating women one orgasm at a time

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C.H., I am glad that you see

Wed, 06/15/2011 - 03:01
The Mrs (not verified)

C.H., I am glad that you see the importance of spirituality and sex. While Dr. Betty offers good advice on sexual matters, I believe that your sexual practices are between you, your boyfriend, his Church, and God. Sex is a deeply emotional and spiritual act that should not be taken lightly.

Hey C.H., Thank you so much

Wed, 08/10/2011 - 05:41
DMM (not verified)

Hey C.H., Thank you so much for posting this it has been really helpful. I've been using a vibrator for a long while and have never really orgasmed without one. I want to be flexible with my enjoyment of sex (i.e. not always having a vibrator between my partner and I during climax or even sex in general), yet I have had a really tough/ unsuccessful time at transitioning from a vibrator to manual stimulation. I will continue with new strategies and wish you the best of luck in yours!