How Do I Move Past Painful Penetration & Have Better Orgasms?

Fri, 09/16/2011 - 10:37
Submitted by Betty Dodson

Hi, Betty,

At first I need to say I adore you! I am 27 years old, had only one partner - my boyfriend, for 6 years. At the beginning we did not have penetrative or oral sex because of my religious beliefs (they faded away), but we had quite some play with the genitals with clothes on and light touches (mostly he touching me). After 2 years we tried vaginal penetration for a year. That was not possible, I was experiencing lots of pain. I had hymenoctomy. Since then, I have become frightened of penetration, no matter I would be aroused (just before penetration, arousal dissapeared or was less).

I often have something else on my mind when having sex, hard to be totally relaxed. It took half a year after operation till we did real penetration for the first time. It has been 2 years since then and I still experience some pain (the pleasure outweighs it, though it is few orgasms) during and sometimes after intercourse, regardless my boyfriend being very caring. Sometimes we need to stop and than start over again. While I always hoped it will be better, my boyfriend has lost faith in it and I need to help him to restore it. It was frightening when I understood this, but I was raping him (=asking for sex when he did not want it; he calls it psychological pressure, I call it raping; feel ashamed, but it almost formed into habit to seek him to try to satisfy me). Sometimes when I was asking for sex, I just felt stressed and saw sex as a relief (probably arousal would have been enough, or something else), but it usually caused me crying because of bad sex (not being able to sustain my arousal in penetration and pain). At less stressful times, it had been better.

By the way, gyneacologist says my anatomy is good, it's only my fears. I am trying to finger myself (gyno advice) with almond oil. But I didn't used enough lubrication for partner sex so far. Even with my fingers, it is a bit sensitive, the labia minora and opening of vagina. Gynecologist (in addition to pushing me to take pills to cure the problems) said to my boyfriend that I am not sexual; because of that, he needs to help me. WTF? I believe everyone is sexual, but that made me concentrate me on my failures for some days...

It is my boyfriend who does most of the job (before and during), and I am mostly concentrating on my reactions. Don't know how to get into the habit of the opposite (plus not to push him). That just does not come inside from me (that would be like doing what I don't want) or I am tired. Maybe I should focus more on masturbation techniques instead, cause it is always better sex for me with him so far? I will try to get your book "Orgasms for two". I would also like to do what I can before turning to vibrators (do not have money for that yet, but am sure he would buy it).

Even with him doing most of the job, it is never enough for me - touching, sex (1 a week), no vaginal massage, not even a promise of cunilingus, etc.. I would like to have sex with someone else - either gender, for a richer experience - he does not approve it. Not telling him is not an option, I am too open with him. I even asked him to convince me that I should not cheat on him - and I kind of know that I would not cheat on impulse, without my brain consenting in advance to give my pussy to someone else. I don't want to leave him either, it is one of the most healthy relationship I know around, and I would feel guilty - he has put a lot in this relationship, also many hopes; and I love him. Sex is not that important for him as for me. But I am now more than ever bisexual curious, swinging and polyamory curious.

None of it is approved by my boyfriend and as far as I want to be with him, I think I would need his consent to enter some other sexual relationships. I am not sure, whether I am bisexual or polyamorous (never tried these, except hugging other people when welcoming/saying goodbye. This keeps me asking about my sexual identity and also keeps me willing to do more contact in the bed with my boyfriend))...

All these points recently made me hard to concentrate on my priority activities, which are urgent, what puts more stress in.

This said, the questions:
1) how to restore my boyfriend's desire for more sex and be myself active in bed (both of us having much stress in daily activities)
2) how to let the pain go
3) the tricky one: about wanting to experience sex with other people - with no commitments possibly, but still being with my boyfriend
4) how to think less about sex, not over think it to have a room for other activities

I would appreciate your answer!

Dear J,

Well, that's quite an extensive sex history! First of all, you answered your own question: "Maybe I should focus more on masturbation techniques instead, because it is always better sex for me than with him so far?"

Yes, yes, yes! At 27 you still have so much to learn about your body and orgasms and masturbation is the answer. Instead of relying on your poor boyfriend to solve all your sexual problems, you need to take care of this yourself. It's your orgasm not his that needs working on. And your orgasm is NOT his responsibility. The fact that he has suffered through your sex problems for the past 6 years is HIS problem and not yours. He calls it "psychological pressure" and you call it "rape." Either one is damaging to a relationship. He's being very masochistic and you are being very demanding. Not a good combination. One of you needs to move along so both can heal yourselves. Right now it's a toxic brew that will only get worse because now you want to experiment with other people. That by the way is a healthy sign.

If you do decide to stay together, by all means you would both greatly benefit from a vibrator. Also it would take a load off his back instead of being the only one who can satisfy you. It's your responsibility to heal yourself sexually before you experiment with other forms of sex. All your questions at the end indicate this is the best path for you. Be brave enough to embrace it.

Dr. Betty

Liberating women one orgasm at a time