I Simply Can't Take Off My Bra During Sex

Sat, 01/14/2012 - 10:04
Submitted by Betty Dodson

Hello Betty,

First of all let me say that I'm a huge fan and very grateful that I found your site. I've been struggling with deep insecurity over my extremely small breasts. These issues did not start until after I first became sexually active with my last boyfriend. I guess I had never assessed my breast size until then and when I finally did I developed a strong complex about their size. Now I have severe feelings of sexual inadequacy and feel unwomanly, childlike, even abnormal because of them. I'm just barely getting involved with a new partner (not a boyfriend, just a sexual partner) now but still cannot bring myself to take off my bra in front of him, nor can I feel any pleasure from nipple stimulation anymore because of my anxiety towards that particular body part (which is a shame because I used to love it before).

Now my boobs are basically off-limits to my new partner because I am simply not comfortable being topless in front of anybody out of fear that either my partner will become turned off or that I will become too self-conscious to enjoy myself. I guess my question is- do you see my keeping my bra on during sex as a problem? Does it seem particularly unhealthy to you? And could this cause problems if I were to get involved in a serious relationship in the future? I haven't brought this up to my partner because it's not his job to be my therapist and I'm really trying to deal with these issues on my own but for the time being it just makes sex easier for me to enjoy. I've been to counseling for this and it didn't seem to help me at all.

Also, do you think these issues combined with the fact that I'm 19 years old show that I'm perhaps not ready for casual sexual relationships yet?

Dear D,

One of the best ways to practice sex is with a more casual relationship because there is not that much at stake. I usually practiced new things with someone I wasn't all that crazy about. If I failed it was no big loss. So that's by way of saying this is a good time to practice being who you are NOT what you think society or boys want. . . Big Boobs. At 19 you have no idea what a burden huge tits are to carry around. And besides, you are a lot more than the size of your breasts. Of course you can leave your bra on but frankly, I think that looks silly and actually draws more attention to what you imagine to be a flaw. C'mon girl! Off with the tit bag on to the new empowered orgasmic you.

Dr. Betty

Liberating women one orgasm at a time

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Breasts come in all sizes.

Sat, 01/14/2012 - 12:33
Elin A (not verified)

Breasts come in all sizes. You must conquer your negative body image, which is unhealthy. It should be unacceptable to you that you even have ceased to enjoy nipple stimulation because of it!
You're very vague about why you started feeling like this - if it just popped up or if your partner had a negative attitude towards them. Anyway, if a guy get turned off by your small breasts (the risk is virtually non-existent), he's not worth your while. 
Counseling is all good, but in a society where we're confronted with extreme boobs everywhere, you need to be more proactive. I say go for it! We learn by doing. Teach yourself not to be afraid by acting against your fear. Just take off your bra and if anyone says anything, throw them out the door.
Start the new year by becoming a woman! Your body is your own and it's worth and beauty is not decided by comparison to the image projected by our quite sick culture.

Bra off!!!

More good advice from

Sat, 01/14/2012 - 12:37
marki (not verified)

More good advice from Betty!

.......the breast question.....a mans point of view.....

It is a constant question in most women's mind....are my breasts big enough....are the pretty enough....does HE like them....?

First of all....YOU have to like them and you should NOT let size... or someone elses opinion of them be the deciding factor. Do they come into play during sex?...if so does it feel good ..?...do you enjoy it when they are kissed, sucked and caressed?....if the answer to these questions is YES ...then you have nothing to worry about concerning your breasts. Most men, especially the more mature men, hold the opinion that breasts only have to be one thing......THERE....large,small,in-between, floppy,saggy,firm or just nipples on a flat chest....as long as they are there and whatever is being done to them is pleasurable to BOTH of you...forget the size thing....in the scheme of things it will not matter.
Women and their breast size is comparable to men and the size of their penises. All men wish their penises were 8-10" long and as big around as a Coke can....not me...or most of the mature,secure men I know and to think of it....most women don't want their men hung like a horse either.....some women are even scared of the large penis.... It has been said that the only safe way to enlarge a mans penis is with a magnifying glass....and that maxim holds true for breast size.
I am sure that if you were to ask your lover he would say he really doesn't care about the SIZE....he just wants you to RESPOND to what he is doing for them when you are making love.....and if he does complain about size,firmness,or ANYTHING for that matter....YOU need to find someone who appreciates you for YOU and NOT YOUR BREASTS....
As Betty pointed out.....you are SO MUCH MORE than just a vagina and a pair of tits...and the quicker men realize this the better the lovemaking will be for all concerned.I would like to add also....that ANY man who would have the gall to suggest implants or that your breasts should be larger does NOT deserve you and should be shown the door with utmost haste.

In closing let me add that you should lose the bra during sex.....really.... make it the first piece of clothing you shed when getting ready to make love and let your partner see that you are proud of them and think they are beautiful...and chances are HE will think so too....leaving your bra on just says you are insecure with their appearance....take it off and let them loose and I will GUARANTEE you that their size will not be a factor once the festivities begin.

Thank you Betty and Carlin for all you do.....I hit your website every day so I will be up on the latest things in masturbation, sex and how to please my woman!


Small boobs are gorgeous.

Sat, 01/14/2012 - 12:55
Jake E

Small boobs are gorgeous. Most fashion models are elegant and have small boobs and if you've ever had to draw a woman in a life drawing class you'll know every curve is specifically female. Get those curves wrong and your drawing will look male regardless of what kind of boobs you've drawn. Does a man with large boobs look womanly? All your female curves are womanly and like a typeface specific to your body, and your boobs fit right in there with the right womanly curves for your body and for you. 

Desire wins

Sat, 01/14/2012 - 14:20
Fond Care

Well D, you will have to do some work to get comfortable with your breasts. It might help to wonder what you would do if you had lost them entirely due to cancer and wanted to get naked with just a scared chest. Carlin and Betty have a blog on the SCAR project at  http://dodsonandross.com/blogs/carlin-ross/2011/11/scar-project
I think it also helps to know that although we have preferences, we are also strongly wired to want diversity and each of us represents diversity to someone, in fact to an endless stream of someones.

One thing I have consistently found is that desire overwhelms most "preferences". If you want him or her and you let your desire show it can be almost irresistable. Indeed you might try experimenting with bringing your desire to the bed. Start with bringing/showing a really agressive desire, including play-acting it if you need to, so you get over the initial hurdle of self conciousness, before trying later sessions with more nuanced desire and interaction.

Do try it. Its bound to be an adventure.

Oooh Fondcare your point

Sat, 01/14/2012 - 15:07
Jake E

Oooh Fondcare your point about desire is so true!! and D I think small boobs are gorgeous. For me boobs are about proportion more than size and there is a huge variety and diversity that I personally find appealing.  

Your body is beautiful just as it is . . .

Sat, 01/14/2012 - 17:35

I have been with women with rather small breasts, as well as women with rather large ones. In every case, her desirability and my attraction had nothing to do with her breast size. I had a friend at university who modeled nude for our life drawing class. She was a small, slender woman with quite small breasts, but she had an exquisite body. I can still picture how attractive she was. Please, enjoy your unique beauty. Our culture encourages us to fixate on our supposed shortcomings---breast or penis size, body fat, etc. But these so-called "flaws" are actually typical of the way most of us are made! Is that crazy, or what? So please, be proud of yourself. Enjoy your breasts' sensitivity again. Learn to love how they look in the mirror. There is nothing wrong with you. You've just been conditioned by our culture to think there is.

Fond Care, Play-acting is all

Sat, 01/14/2012 - 19:31
Anonymous_ (not verified)

Fond Care,
Play-acting is all good, but I really think that it's misplaced advice in this situation.  
Initially, it's better for a young, very self-conscious person to find a nice soul she can be comfortable with and try to be herself. She doesn't need play-acting, just to make the decision to take off her bra and bare herself. 


Sun, 01/15/2012 - 04:40
Fond Care

Good advice Anonymous. I think I would prefer your way.

i know plenty of women who

sequoia's picture
Sun, 03/04/2012 - 13:42

i know plenty of women who struggle with the same topic. too big, too small, too different, too saggy,...
i for my part have a big un-loving relationship with my skin and my amount of hair - but: i know, i have to do the best i can to accept and start to love my self.
when i was trained for breathing therapy we had a few sessions for women and body image healing. there was so much pain in a lot of them. one woman started crying and couldn´t even touch her breast (we all had our eyes closed) - it triggered her enormously.
and what helped was to just always stay in touch with yourself - not just metaphorically. this woman tried it again and again and at the 2nd workshop she touched herself and the healing process began.
maybe you can try to grant yourself some quality time: good music, romantic lights, a good massage oil and just start touch your breasts with the oil. it´s worth it. maybe you can relieve the pressure of how your breast look and you can acknowledge how your this touch feels. 
even if you cannot be without a bra with a sexpartner, at least give yourself a loving touch :)
all the best