How Can I Achieve Pain Free Penetration?

Fri, 01/03/2014 - 10:56
Submitted by Betty Dodson


First of, I love your page!

I wanted to share my story and ask you a for advice, and I'll try my best to express myself, even though english isn't my mother tongue.

At 15 I began having partnersex. I think I might have been one of the last young girls who actually lost their virginity without any preasure from the porn world. My bf back then hadn't seen it, didn't care for it, and was as free of preconceptions as you could ask a 15 year old guy to be. We spent months discovering each others' bodies with hands and tongues, before we started with penetrative sex. I have to admit, I don't remember the details, but not long after I got on the pill (Cerazette, progesterone only) to get rid of those damn condoms. My gyno looked somewhat panicked: "You've been together with this guy for more than a year and haven't come to get birth control pills until NOW?"

A while later, this relationship ended, and unfortunately I met a guy who was just beyond awful at foreplay. Well, at sex in general actually. I *think* this is when I started experiencing pain during penis in vagina sex. If he didn't get to get it in there it'd go flaccid right away! ("...So?" I thought to myself) I tried to get him to chill and take things slow, but that relationship didn't last long enough for us to get it right.

After that, my problems with pain in the beginning of and after PiV sex remained. I got used to it, penetration would always hurt at first, then after a little while the pain'd go away, and not come back until after we were finished having sex. I had the time of my life during the sex, so why care about a bit of pain? I felt it was all worth it, and kept having all kinds of sex with different partners for a couple of years.

At 21, I met my current boyfriend, and in the beginning we had completely mind blowing sex. I've never met anyone so open minded to toys and kinky sex before. With him I had a completely pain-free PiV sex experience, thanks to a lot of warm up and lube! I was in the clouds.

Then my body went crazy. I think it'd just had enough of them hormones already, and I had my period about half of the month (instead of once a year, god was that convenient?!) and got yeast infections. At first each time I had sex, then they went chronic. I tried everything in the book: No soap, no shaving or waxing, no sugar, no white flour, no strange addatives, no bad underwear (often no underwear at all), no sex unless I was aroused and only with shitloads of lube, no sex at all, vegetable oils, added extra "good bacteria" both topically and to my food, and surely a lot of other things that I can't think of now. I tried everything in the book to keep them away, didn't help in the least. I went through lots of scientific articles about yeast infections, and just couldn't shake the feeling that they were causing this.

I was adviced to switch to combined pills, and woke up in the middle of the night to hug the toilet. Got off them. Was told I'm most likely allergic to the fake estrogen used in bloody everything contraceptional, went on Zoely (because of it's body identical estrogen), and my yeast infections came back even with daily doses of oral antifungal meds. Got off both Zoely and the antifungal meds, and haven't had a single yeast relapse since!

I know this goes against everything you believe in, but vaginal penetration and g-spot stimulation is very much "my thing". It gets me off easily, often and very intensly! I used to consider sex with less than 5 really good orgasms bad sex!

I've always been able to get off without penetration only by tensing up, my clit just isn't very sensitive in comparison. I've tried everything, vibrators, oral sex, but without penetration I can only have orgasms which aren't much more fun than sneezes, even after years of doing it daily, on my own and with partners.

But, after all of the yeast infections, topical creams, and not listening to my body, my pain during penetration was worse than ever. It had actually reached a point where the pain didn't go away after the first minute or so, but instead increased during the act until I had to ask my boyfriend to stop because I felt the pain more strongly than the pleasure. The damned condoms don't help either, they add friction, are damned messy and worst of all, don't mix with any good lubes. I think the fact that my boyfriend is way above average might not be too helpful either.

This has pretty much put an end to my lust for partnersex, even though I of course supply myself with sneeze-like orgasms every now and then. There is nothing wrong with my pelvic floor muscles, and I try to keep it that way.

I also use oils and practice penetrating myself painlessly every now and then just to get my body to realize that penetration doesn't have to hurt, but my lust is pretty much dead.

I do occasionally feel bad for not satisfying my boyfriend, but he knows he can have sex with someone else if he wants to, just as I get to have sex with others if I want to, it's our deal. Perhaps worth mentioning is that I've batteled a resurfacing eating disorder, and I know my self image very much affects my sex drive as well. It has to be everything all at once, doesn't it?

Two questions;

- What's your take on treating pain during penetration, any advice? I don't have much faith in gynos after having had them trying to put hormones and antifungals in me, but perhaps they might still be helpful? Or do you have any other suggestion?

- I know you're a big diaphragm fan, but it seems impossible to get one fitted around here. I refuse to take any more hormones, and have read too much about the copper IUD causing yeast problems to want to try it, with my experiences in that department. I've always thought I'd eventually get sterilized since I don't want kids for a number of reasons, but that too is impossible unless you're above 25 (and even then requires a whole lot of nagging) in Sweden at least. I'm at the moment half heartedly looking up clinics all around the world, hoping they'd sterilize a 22 year old, child free woman. Do you have any other suggestions about contraception, or am I a "lost cause"?

I feel like even if I can achieve pain free penetration with one or two fingers, I'm never gonna get it right with a penis again, as long as it's covered in latex or rubber, and not by vegetable oils...

Any advice would be very appreciated!

Dear E,

Well that was quite a complete sex history. I never view anyone as a lost cause. My first thought: You might be allergic to latex and they can test you for that. A red flag went up when I read, "I've battled a resurfacing eating disorder, and I know my self image very much affects my sex drive as well." Our relationship to food is primary. Perhaps that's where you need to focus your healing first.

I am not familiar with your birth control Cerazette but after I went on Google and read some of the side affects, it sounds awful! And many mentioned a weight gain which is already one of your concerns. Big Pharma experiments with our bodies like we are lab rats. I wouldn't take that crap for all the money in the world.

Second red flag was vegetable oils for lube. What kind? If you're using any kind of latex you need a water based lube and most of them are full of chemicals. The best one we found is Sliquid. I prefer an organic nut oil like Almond. Unless you have a nut allergy, but again, that could be tested.

I'd avoid penetration sex until you figure this out. No sex with any man is worth the kind of suffering you have described. I have spent a lifetime avoiding most medical professionals and prefer to look to alternative healing. Your attachment to your G spot is also suspicious as you've not really developed clitoral sensitivity. The stupid G is VERY indirect clitoral stimulation that many men seem to adore because they "think" they've made you come and squirting is the proof. Very often overweight women can squirt copious amounts. But "squirting is NOT an orgasm. Finally the liquid has been tested and its mostly dilute urine with a bit of prostate fluid. If you are a "man junkie" (which i suspect), you'll put up with more discomfort than is healthy.

You are obviously a smart well educated woman. Your mastery of English is very impressive. Take a vacation from pleasing men and focus some major healing on yourself. Rethink those little "sneezes' that you called clitoral orgasms. Develop them and I promise direct clit stim plus vaginal penetration is the BEST. If you discover you have a latex allergy, you can get laytex free condoms. Make sure your body and your sexuality is yours before you get involved with the next guy. Try my approach to developing mind blowing orgasms with yourself and see if you don't have a happier New Year.

Dr. Betty

Liberating women one orgasm at a time

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One thing occured to me. She

Fri, 01/03/2014 - 12:48
Elin A (not verified)

One thing occured to me. She says she doesn't want kids and that's fine. Problem is in a couple of years, she might really want them even though the idea seems inconcievable right now. It comes with age and sneeks up on us. As young you don't have that urge and therefor you can rationalize a lot around kids. But be aware your emotions may very well change.


Tue, 01/07/2014 - 20:12
sweden (not verified)

I'd say, find a good sexologist and maybe try dilators.