Do You Only Have an Orgasm When the Clitoris & Vagina Contract?

Fri, 01/23/2015 - 12:54
Submitted by Betty Dodson

Hallelujah for your site as I've been trying to understand my orgasm and why my partner seems to think I'm faking it.

I know when I masturbate myself I stimulate my g spot and clitorus until they both contract together, i then wait a few minutes and can achieve the same result, but I struggle to do this with my partner. I also have no problem ejaculating but my partner seems to think that this has to happen every time for him to think I'm having an orgasm (I think he's watched too much porn to be honest) but I don't like this all the time it's so wet.

Is this the only kind of orgasm, where the inner vaginal walls and clitorus contract or can your whole body have an orgasm too, because sometimes I feel like I've left my body, i get pins and needles in my hands and feet but I've had no vaginal or clitoral muscle contraction.

I'm 38 and only really started to masterbate this year and have never done it with a partner before. I'm starting to feel self-concious about it now, like I'm not doing it right. So the question i'm asking is, do you only have an orgasm when the vagina and clitorus contract? I've spent hours trying to find the right thing on the internet but not having much luck. Any advice is greatly appreciated.

J

Dear J,

If boys would only learn to listen to what their partner is saying is true for them, partner sex would be a lot more fun. But no, they must be the experts about our bodies and their information is coming from porn which is entertainment for men. Unless he's willing to pay you a porn stars salary, tell him to STFU and pay attention to what you're saying. It's your body and your orgasm.

First off, most women have told me that female ejaculation is NOT the same thing as having an orgasm. It can accompany an orgasm but it's not proof that she's had one. The same is true for men. For instance when a man comes really fast, it's not an orgasm but just a reflex like a sneeze. But that's another essay. Don't let this arrogant dude tell you about your orgasm. Next time he starts in just suggest his last ejaculation was only a reflex.

I have many women asking me how they can stop squirting and making a mess that they have to clean up. When was the last time BF did your laundry? When I researched "female ejaculation" there was a load of information about "how to" but not one word about how to stop! Porn has turned this into a nightmare for women and men who think porn is what women want aren't all that smart. Set him straight.

There are as many types of orgasms as there are women. I've never had vaginal contractions other than consciously using my pelvic floor muscle on my way to getting an orgasm. Squeeze and release. This same muscle helps men to last longer during masturbation and sex with a lover. Turn the tables on Mr.Know it all.
Ask him if he's toning his PC muscle to last longer or to enhance his orgasms.

Dr. Betty

Liberating women one orgasm at a time

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the end of the post is very

Sat, 01/24/2015 - 15:42
bubba29 (not verified)

the end of the post is very confusing.  are you telling me the only time the muscles surrounding your vagina contract is when you consciously squeeze them?  they do not flex uncontrollably when you have an orgasm?  i am not saying others do not experience this but i would say it is a rarity to not have these contractions during orgsam.

also by the way, flexing of those same muscles in men typically have the reverse effect of helping them last longer.  flexing those muscles usually accelerates the orgasmic process.  men should learn to relax those muscles rather than contracting them to last longer.  just search the term "reverse kegel" and you will see there is much written about this.

'Is an orgasm only when...'

Sun, 01/25/2015 - 11:46
Jeffrey65802 (not verified)

'Is an orgasm only when...' reminded me of one of the first episodes of "Masters of Sex" on Showtime harkening back to mysogonistic 1950s thinking. Where medicine had a definition of orgasm and it meant this, that, and the other thing were occuring. I think instead of holding ourselves to standards used by medicine (even of today,) we should allow much more ambiguity about things like sex. Sometimes ignorance really is bliss.

Is female ejaculation an orgasm? Who cares? Did it feel good? Did it turn your lover on whether things contracted or not? Is a clitoral orgasm the only way to orgasm? Probably not as evidenced by a woman on think an episode of HBO's Katie Morgan's show claims she can orgasm in under 10s just by breathing.

Bottom line is if it felt good, whether we care to attach a word someone made up hundreds of years ago (or when ever) to the sensation doesn't matter. I had 'a felt great thing-a-majig.' Is all we really need. Gimme a few minutes and we'll have even more. :)

Good point guys.

Betty Dodson's picture
Sun, 01/25/2015 - 12:26
Betty Dodson

My second book *Orgasms for Two* which had a lot of information on how couples could incorporate a vibrator into their lovemaking didn't stay in print very long. Seems folks were not interested in discussing the addition of electric devices in the bedroom. It is now available as an e-book.
At the time my young apprentice/lover explained his system of holding off ejaculation by relaxing his pelvic floor muscle. But a friend of his kept his pelvic floor pulled up tight to keep from coming. Once again, first person sharing is always the best. We are all unique with some similarities

I agree: Semantics is a bitch but we gotta deal with how we name things in order to communicate.

Rarity? My vaginal muscles

Mon, 01/26/2015 - 11:38
Anonymous Lupe (not verified)

Rarity? My vaginal muscles don't always contract when I have an orgasm. And when edging, sometimes I lose it but I can feel the contractions in my vagina without climaxing. I must say that orgasms occur in a wide range of ways. 

Why should anybody keep themselves from coming?

Tue, 01/27/2015 - 12:19
Patrick_R

The idea that men should 'keep themselves from coming' for their partner's sake is really out-of-date and based on disproven assumptions. Male orgasms, at whatever point in a lovemaking session, are not some sort of failure. It's true that women should flow with their own model of sexual response and not be bound by the 'male model', but it's equally true that men should flow with their model. There's no need for men to spoil their natural patterns of arousal by going to extraordinary lengths to stop themselves from having orgasms. In most cases their partners aren't going to appreciate it, and it's not going to help most of those women have orgasms. It's just unnaturally restricting male orgasm without helping female orgasm, and what's the point of that? Nor is it true that men 'have' to stop sex after their first orgasm. Most men can keep going if the circumstances call for it---it's just that nobody ever told them they could. They believe the propaganda about how they would 'ruin' their partner's pleasure if the man's orgasm (singular, because in the traditional model of hetero sex he's only allowed one) came first. This is almost all untrue.

The traditional model of hetero sex is deeply flawed, one of the reasons being its implicit assumption that men should drastically limit their orgasms because women owe so much of their satisfaction to an erect penis. Today we know that this simply isn't true. What is true for some couples is that the woman does enjoy prolonged penetration. But there are many ways to accomodate this desire---continuing to thrust after the first male climax, using a dildo, taking a short break and flowing into other techniques, then back into intercourse if desired. Actually delaying male orgasm, while theoretically a useful skill, would only be helpful in a very small number of scenarios. It seems to me that what's important for caring couples is mutual accommodation, flexibility, spontaneity, and assigning equal importance to both partner's orgasms. There are endless creative, playful, unrestricted, and freeing ways to enjoy partner sex.

Good points. I'd go further

Wed, 01/28/2015 - 07:13
Jeffrey65802 (not verified)

Good points. I'd go further and suggest the hetero-model was written entirely by men with no imput from women whatsoever. A woman's sexual pleasure doesn't rely in any way of a man, or our anatomy. Penetration sex is how we make babies, but it isn't what's gonna make a woman orgasm. It makes a guy cum, but so doe a well-lubed palm, gay man's ass, or warm apple pie so a vagina isn't inherently required. Just something slippery and snug. :) As someone who prefers pleasuring myself than putting up with other people who get so worked up about sex, the models and definitions we have about sex are all flawed if they involve another person at all. No one's a better lover than we ourselves. Viewing sex as something we do with other people is itself flawed I think. We can all get ourselves off in perfect safety and privacy at will. That masturbation is still so taboo is absurd to me. Especially in our disease-riddled society where all the empasis is on male safety as with condom usage with no mention of "or you could just do it yourself." If gonna wrap your penis up anyway, thus separating your from your partner by a physical barrier denying them thep leasure of feeling you cumming inside them, and the pleasure of the chemicals in your semen acting like an anti-depressant, why not skip the middleman altogether? :)

Sharing is nice, too

Wed, 01/28/2015 - 10:29
Patrick_R

Yes, I think that the standard model of 'sex equals PIV intercourse' was written not just by men, but by ancient churchmen who hated women and hated sex but made reluctant concessions to the need for propagating the human race, which is the only good those grim old men could see in human sexuality. It's true that women as well as men can always do ourselves, and masturbation is great in and of itself. But there's a lot to be said for sharing with the right person. Long-time lovers can get to know us very well indeed. They can't read our minds and they can't give us the perfect touch every time, but on the other hand our rabbits and our fleshlights aren't going to give us a back rub or listen patiently to what a lousy day we had. If we're lucky, we can have the best of solo sex and the kind of partner sex that makes us glad there's somebody else in the world besides ourselves.