Most Sexual Problems for Women & Between Couples Are How We Define Sex

Mon, 01/26/2015 - 08:49
Submitted by Betty Dodson

Orgasm questions to Dr. Betty arrive at a steady pace… How can I be sure I’ve had an orgasm? How can I get a bigger orgasm? Or why can’t I orgasm during sex with my partner? What does an orgasm feel like? How will I know if I’d had an orgasm?

“I have never been able to have an orgasm with anyone; either with clitoral stimulation (although I've been close) and nothing with vaginal penetration. I thought it was only a matter of trust and letting it go, but none of my partners last more than three months.”

“Dear Betty, im from latin america so i hope you understand my English, well I have 22 years old and I never felt an orgasm I faked them all time, I have masturbated but I can not get to the end, the area feels sensitive and I can't keep going, my boyfriend is amazing in bed he can keep going a lot of rounds, but I just can't get there, and when he make me oral sex is to good but i can't pass my limit so I stop him, I don't know what to do.”

“I think my lack of orgasms might have to do with always achieving them through clitoral masturbation. I tried two times inserting my fingers but it feels too awkward, I get hand cramps and almost no sensations. I believe that if I could master vaginal orgasm with myself first, that will make a huge impact with future partners.”

From a young man: “Sometimes it feels like sex for me is a lot of work for very little reward. Especially since my partner can have 3-4 orgasms per session and all I get is about 5 seconds once, and once only, and then it's 'game over'. Please Betty, is there anything you can tell me about the male orgasm that will cheer me up??”

Today, both sexes want more “Bang for the fuck” with instant gratification. America is a nation of people who are focused on the “MOMENT” the “RESULTS” the “REWARD” with little to no sex information or preparation: Just add hot water and stir. They want bigger and better orgasms with less effort. Like watching porn where male performers are using an erection drug and women are experts at faking orgasms.

I'm finding more and more clinical evidence that most sexual problems for women and between couples are how we define sex. The male model of PIV sex (penis inside vagina) is the dominant image and remains in place from the past to the present day. My clients tell me their "therapists" discuss the following concepts: Learning to relax; inability to let go; intimacy issues (whatever "intimacy" means) or telling him what you like (as if any girl who has never masturbated could possibly know what she likes). None of those concepts have much to do with having an orgasm that is first and foremost physical.

Our relationship to sex begins with early messages about masturbation, including getting caught along with the punishment that did or did not follow. Some enlightened parents simply look the other way knowing it’s a natural part of a child’s sexual development. But those who view it as a cardinal sin seriously damage their child’s sexual future. Yes, it can be overcome but at what price?

How about Mom’s attitude toward baby’s genitals as she cleans up the poop and changes diapers? Non verbal touch has far more power than we realize. I subscribe to Wilhelm Reich’s theory that the body has its own memory. We are way too focused on the brain while ignoring the wisdom of our physical bodies. Both pleasure and pain memories are held in the muscles and connecting tissue of the fascia. The one healing massage system that dealt with this was Rolfing, a method of deep tissue work designed by Ida Rolf. Due to the strenuous nature of her approach, few practitioners are available today. However, more and more people honor the process of other hands-on healing modalities....except when it comes to sexual healing.

I break those rules with my hands-on approach to teaching women about orgasm. Clients actually masturbate under my guidance so it’s more like learning a dance step rather than looking for psychological reasons that inhibit the experience of orgasm. Masturbation is how most women will uncover their orgasms after experimenting by stimulating her clitoris with the correct use of an electric vibrator. This is combined with pelvic thrusting while working the pelvic floor muscle with conscious breathing along with the willingness to spend some quality time practicing. A session with me lasts an entire afternoon on into evening. We do NOT watch the clock. One of the biggest problems with enjoying sexual pleasures is not allowing suffient time or putting it on the back burner to be dealt with later on.

Our society is so backward we don't even have a correct name for our female sex organ; it is NOT a vagina. That's the birth canal. Unless they are born to seek sex with their own kind, most boys want to ejaculate inside a vagina— when and if they get the chance. Since this is the procreative model, both sexes are programmed to desire this activity, especially during puberty with the onslaught of powerful male and female sex hormones surging through young healthy bodies. That’s when heterosexuality becomes a series of mixed messages: She’s told to “wait for a commitment” while he’s encouraged “to get experience before marriage.” Automatically we are set up against one another. This “conflict of interest” dissolves once “love” enters the picture. However, few couples have any idea what the word “love” means! It would help if we could at least agree on the most common usage of the word refers to “romantic love” which is based on a strong sexual attraction that rarely meets our expectations of lasting “forever.”

This is where society and religion steps in, each with a code of ethics for sexual behavior. Yet neither one deals with the physical reality of “sexual pleasure,” yet they each have rules for “sexual behavior.” Religious thought promotes Abstinence Only until Marriage. Meanwhile society changes every decade or so. Today we have fewer restrictions on sexual behavior which has given rise to “Friends with Benefits.” By honoring friendship, this concept gets around romantic loves fiercely possessiveness. A much healthier dynamic once birth control is available and in place.

The remaining problem is the quality of sexual activity. Boys at least get to ejaculate but girls are mostly servicing boys. A girl’s reward is being “popular” which isn’t fair to either her or the boy. Once they pair off, he begins the exhausting project of “holding back” so she can come from his penis thrusting inside her vagina, which doesn’t happen. So she fakes a climax to reward him for his efforts, or to get him to stop. Yes, there is more sex taking place in America but the quality is pathetic.

There is a desperate need for a comprehensive sex education that includes concepts of pleasure. The healing derived from the simple joy of male and female orgasms— not only with a partner or partners, but with oneself. Hopefully masturbation will include a wealth of sexual fantasies that are far superior to the commercial online porn today. We forget that fantasy is at the heart of the creative process and orgasm energy feeds the creative impulse. I want a world filled with happy orgasms for everyone.

Liberating women one orgasm at a time

Comment viewing options

Select your preferred way to display the comments and click "Save settings" to activate your changes.

Yay knowledge

Gestal'thiano's picture
Mon, 01/26/2015 - 16:13
Gestal'thiano

Where is the Kickstarter for the online masturbation/sex organ-educational course mentioned a few months back? Been checking on the site, but cant find it.

Always makes me smile when

Tue, 01/27/2015 - 05:11
Jeffrey65802 (not verified)

Always makes me smile when foreign English writers apologize for what they think is bad English, and all I can see is they write better than many native English writers. :)

I'd have to say most problems people having achieving orgasms/climaxes from partner sex are psychological in nature. And much of the time, the plumbing works just fine as evidenced by their ability to make themselves cum. So when they finally get to enjoy partner sex any number of mental obstacles may arise inhibiting them from self-consciousness akin to peeing in front of others, to societal guilt and shame about sex making cumming in front of others, even our own lovers difficult, to deep-seated parental disapproval over our being sexual animals. Having had my own own motherly disapproval about my sexuality, I remember well the difficulty I had cumming with boys, whereas her offering that masturbating was a better option and thus becomming very adept at that.

If a parents disapproved of our early experiences with sex, and we never dealt with that, it can manifest as difficulty when we then have sex, especially with perhaps women as the source of the disapproval was a woman.

And of course as "Raj" observed on a great episode of "The Big Bang Theory" while watching football, "So far all I've learned is American men drink too much beer, eat crap, and have difficulty pleasing their women." :)

Relationship Taboos: Sex & Money

Tue, 01/27/2015 - 09:21
NorthLondonHousewife

It's strange that women have come so far in terms of independence and yet the basic taboo subjects in relationships remain much the same as ever - sex and money - maybe because of the idea of romantic love.

A generation ago perhaps no one needed to have the conversation because it was tacitly agreed that he would provide financially and she would put out. It was a less romantic time.

Nowadays young people starting out in a relationship would be horrifed to hear that idea applied to their relationships and yet when the first child is born, isn't that still the unspoken agreement many women drift into whether they want to or not: her career will be put on hold (ie wrecked) he will "provide" financially and in return, she will take care of the children in the relationship, which suddenly includes him. She is made financially dependant while he becomes emotionally and physically so.

I've been to a lot of weddings, across a number of religions and none, and they're all basically a legal contract, anything but romantic, laying down terms and conditions upon which two people agree to share their assets in exchange for sexual favours.
The marriage contract is very explicit.
"With this Ring I thee wed, with my body I thee worship, and with all my worldly goods I thee endow"

Wouldn't it be wonderful if everyone was taught basic financial commonsense, to think twice about giving up their financial independence, to discuss more carefully the kind of compromises children bring to relationship. More and more couples seem prepared to have the conversation.

And wouldn't it be great if society could just take the marriage vows seriously enough to educate people how to worship each other physically, or at least to worship themselves through masturbation and encourage people to talk about sex together. It's a lot easier to enjoy a great sex life, if you're prepared to talk about what's working and what's not.

"Our society is so backward

Tue, 01/27/2015 - 15:39
Minna (not verified)

"Our society is so backward we don't even have a correct name for our female sex organ"

Recently I found an amazing new word: A combination of vulva and vagina: vulvina.

Because the words are Latin this should also work for the English language. (I am from Germany.) There is also a video, though also in German:

I love it and try to get used to speaking it at the moment. :)

Vulvina

Wed, 01/28/2015 - 15:17
Patrick_R

Thank you for the video. I can only follow a modest amount of German but the visual aids helped a lot. Even my enlightened brother and sister-in-law taught their daughter that her genitals were called the 'vagina'; I'm not sure they were even familiar with the word 'vulva'. Vulva is supposed to take in the vagina too, but I do see the point. The origin of 'vagina' is the Latin for 'sheath', German 'Scheide', which defines this important part of female anatomy by implicitly giving it lesser status and by linking it to the male anatomy rather than being sufficient in and of itself. We don't call the penis the 'gladius', so why call the birth canal the 'sheath'? I don't know whether 'vulvina' will catch on, but it could have a logical role in a new feminist terminology. I guess it could also be argued that 'vagina', while hardly of feminist derivation, made its way into Western languages via the dead language of Latin and hardly anyone today is aware of its original literal meaning.

mixing - better not

Wed, 01/28/2015 - 16:59
firewater

People are eye.creatures/animals, so they have an impression and from time to time a judgement about such, what they see, or not.Let me say it with thwe words of a man and maybe a human too: if I see a female genital, I see it more in the entirety, than single parts, if it are the average proportions, of course. So it is a package in my eyes, if it looks prominent. Btw, I`m really disappointed if I can see only a slit. (I think to myself oh it looks like a sexual individual) So, the more prominent the package it is, the better it is, because I want to "browse" with my eyea - the "banquet"! 
The vagina you can`t see, or only the entry. So it is super for feeling, but not the "hit" for watching. So I think it is no good idea, to mix this both body.parts to one word.
But here a proposal to word outer.lips. Can we be sure, that they are a kind of lips? I saw some ot them which are al ot bigger than lips in the face, they looked more like bulges, others more like covers. The word labias however seems to be more realistic, because the depedence to the face.lips arn`t so closed.

No correct word for female

Wed, 01/28/2015 - 19:35
Jeffrey65802 (not verified)

No correct word for female sex organ? "Clit" is too complicated? :)