For Everyone Struggling in Search of an Orgasm

Sat, 06/18/2016 - 08:01
Submitted by Betty Dodson
Betty Dodson Original Drawing

I just read several question from women in their teens to fifty and beyond searching for their first orgasm. This sexual suffering seems never ending and it breaks my heart. Something totally natural has been perverted by religions in male dominated cultures. This is when wives and mothers are turned into a sexual police force controlling their daughters to be virgins until they're married. Patriarchy could never survive without a matriarchy to keep it in place.

With an absence of decent sex information or education women begin to suspect something is wrong with their genitals. Perhaps a part is missing, or there is something wrong with their clitoris. Even after they’ve “had sex” they still haven’t had an “orgasm” which is not likely to happen with penis/vagina sex. However, that’s the procreation model that’s most often preferred by men. It’s what I refer to as the “Male Model of Sexual Response” that doesn’t work for most women. Since the clitoris is a woman’s primary organ for pleasure, I recommend vaginal penetration with clitoral stimulation at the same time. And it's always best for the owner of the clitoris do the stimulating as she knows what works best.

With orgasm there is resolution. Otherwise, an untold number of women are left with the discomfort of an engorged sex organ along with pelvic congestion that takes hours for the blood to drain before everything returns to normal. When I imagine what that feels like, I suspect it’s similar to a person suffering from constipation. It's also similar to what guys call "blue balls" when they get turned on without an ejaculation.

For girls and women searching for their first orgasm, many end up speculating what might be wrong with their vulvas. Few have bothered to look at their sex organ in a free standing mirror with a good light. Far too many hold a small compact mirror with one leg resting on the bathtub with no direct light source. After a failed viewing, their conclusions are bizarre beginning with the clitoris; the hood seems too thick or the entire area appears surrounded by flesh, or the tip doesn’t pop out, or it’s just too damn small no bigger than a pin head!

Here is a prefect example of one young woman’s dilemma. “I'm starting to think my vagina is malformed. First off, I have absolutely no sex drive. I have never been "in the mood." I can feel touch to the outside of the vagina, but I get absolutely nothing out of it. I just cannot seem to feel pleasure. I don't think I've had an orgasm. I mean, I've had to fake it every single time. And I also can barely tell if I've been penetrated or even how deep. If the guy is big, all I feel is a general painful discomfort. I've been looking at diagrams of a normal vagina and mine just doesn't seem normal. I don't even think I have a clit. I have this large bit of flesh that usually hangs on the inside of the left "lip" about an inch when not stretched out. It's brownish at the edges and often cold to the touch. To the right, a smaller bit of flesh about a centimeter and a half. In-between those two folds, unlike pictured in diagrams, is my urethra. It's sensitive to touch, but it doesn't give me any pleasure.
Then, at the bottom is the vaginal opening. Normally, the clit is depicted up top, the urethra in the middle, and the opening at the bottom. But I don't see where the clit is? It's just all wrong. It’s extremely frustrating. But I apparently do get "wet". Also my nipples are basically numb too. I don't get pleasure from them. And generally can't feel them being touched unless they're pinched really hard. And then it just hurts. It would really be a comfort to get an explanation, and advice on what I could do to finally feel pleasure."

This from a sexually frustrated 20 yr old: “I am worried that I don’t have a clit or g spot. I have been sexually active for almost 4 years and have never come close to an orgasm. I barely feel anything at all. I have a massive sex drive and I get turned on easily, so what’s wrong with me?”

These are just two examples but I get hundreds of questions like this all the time. Inside the website we have a list of my essays that deal with the basic problems such as the two above. My questioners rarely search inside and instead go directly to “Ask Dr Betty.”


Your first problem is the inhibition of childhood masturbation. If none of us never received any negative messages about exploring our perfect sex organs by self-touching as infants, toddlers into early childhood and throughout our teens and beyond, none of these questions would exist. Very few families offer any privacy for children let alone teens to explore their sex organs. Plus most of us grow up with all kinds of negative messages about sex that's been drenched in ether romantic mush or hardcore porn.

Your healing process begins with the regular practice of masturbation. This is not an overnight fix. To give birth to your orgasms from the negative filth of sexual repression you’ve grown up with will take time, patience and dedication. Are you still with me?

Okay! Now tune into a beginners mind. Each of you must get rid of all expectations, ideas and definitions of SEX and ORGASM and PLEASURE. At this stage of sexual development keeping an OPEN MIND is essential. It is the only way to explore your sexuality. This will require the difficult process of “UNLEARNING” which adds a challenge we can meet if you want to experience pleasurable sex, first alone and then with a partner(s).

Imagine you are a ballet dancer working out at the bar in front of a mirror to learn the basic positions. Or you are the artist drawing from a nude model with a stick of charcoal. The results of either effort are not works of art nor will they necessarily result in orgasm. If a practice session feels good all the better, but this is not about results. This is about gradually training your body to respond to pleasant physical sensations while you massage your genitals without any demand for a specific response.

Simply Observe! Experiment! Feel! Enjoy! Practice! Practice! Practice! has a wealth of information. The left hand column on our front page lists topics that are available. A large part of our sex information and education is free but it’s up to you to practice sex with yourself first and then share what you’ve learned with a lover or your friends with benefits.

Liberating women one orgasm at a time

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Agree but would add some comments

Sun, 06/19/2016 - 02:23
Lucetta (not verified)

I agree that it is important to overcome any inhibitions because achieving orgasm depends on accepting the body and its wonderful abilities.
However, I also believe that variability in brain structure is an important factor that influences how easily a woman will orgasm. If the pathways between the body and the brain are open and flowing well, then the correct messages will get through from the body to the brain to allow the orgasm.
We don't have much control over our brain structures, but we can train the brain to recognise the messages from the body and respond. This requires practise, as Betty says.
Some children are more fortunate in that their brains seem to connect well with their body from an early age and so they can become orgasmic. I recall orgasms from touching the base of my spine from an early age and also discovered flexing my pelvic floor muscles could cause me to orgasm from the time I was a teenager.
My husband introduced me to direct clitoral stimulation - I had no idea about this and I orgasmed from the first time he touched me. Then we went on to stimulation of my nipples, which is now my most preferred way to obtain orgasm - its is very fast and strong and can be repeated multiple times. I can also do it fully clothed, so it is really convenient! I also orgasm from intercourse nearly every time. I don't think I have a special talent - I am fairly sure that I was lucky that my brain was wired in such a way that the signals from my body readily get through to my brain and easily trigger an orgasm.
Interestingly, I can't stimulate my own nipples to orgasm, but need my husband to do it. Also, if I try to stimulate my own clitoris, I take much longer than if my husband does it. Therefore, for me there is a psychological element to orgasm, and for best results I do find personally partner-sex is better than masturbation.

Thanks Lucetta for sharing your good fortune.

Betty Dodson's picture
Sun, 06/19/2016 - 12:11
Betty Dodson

 The importance of masturbation for those in search of orgasm is what you experience naturally due to the way your brain is wired. For pre-orgasmic girls and women, that connection is made with the practice of masturbation that gradually opens up the nerve pathways fom the clitoris to the pleasure center in our brains.
I don't pretend to understand how our marvelous brains function, but marvelous they are. I do know from my extensive experience that masturbation is the primary exercise that will lead most of us to experiencing the pleasure of orgasm. Your good fortune of having a partner that does for you what you cannot do for yourself is the romantic dream "come true." While you enjoy yourself with your husband, also allow for those of ius who must explore our own bodies in case our Prince or Princess doesn't show up, is out of town, or runs off with some one else. Pleaure Rules!

Orgasm is more than just pleasure

Mon, 06/20/2016 - 04:08
Lucetta (not verified)

Thanks Betty for your insightful comments.
When I orgasm, I primarily feel this in the brain, with the release of chemicals which usually make me laugh and breathe quickly - so my orgasms target the part of the brain which is linked to these particular responses. Because not everyone orgasms the same way, it also would suggest that each brain is wired very uniquely. The first time my husband touched me in the clitoris, I started laughing/orgasming and he thought that I found the whole thing funny, because he had never seen a woman who orgasmed like that.  I told him it was not that kind of laughter.
I believe that eventually the medical profession will realise that we have these remarkable qualities in our brains and we will all be taught to use these abilities to help us to function and we will harness these natural substances as our own pain killers and anti-depressants.
I know that a few doctors are really interested in going down this path but it is still early days. Also, the fact that orgasm is still seen as a sex related matter means that doctors seem reluctant to talk about it unless you mention it first. However, I have found that as soon as I broach this subject with doctors, they are very enthusiastic about the possibilities. My gynaecologist here in Australia is very enthusiastic about promoting orgasm as an aid against genital pain disorders, but he finds that when he travels to overseas conferences, particularly in the US, if he raises this his US colleagues deride him. The US gynaecologists seem to think genital pain disorders are virtually unresolvable.
My hope is that eventually everyone will stop thinking about orgasm as just a sex matter, but a path to general health and happiness and there will be no stigma attached when we talk about the benefits of orgasm.

Betty you inspire me every

Wed, 06/22/2016 - 12:03
Natasha Salaash (not verified)

Betty you inspire me every single day. I love this and will share!!! <3 

Betty, this article is one of

Mon, 07/11/2016 - 18:34
Lankan (not verified)

Betty, this article is one of your best so far. Simple but very important. I honstly believe that you, as a website,have to use Instagram to raise awareness. I know that a smart approach is to upload phrases about sexuality with the appropriate tags and gradually these posts will become popular. Hopefully, young and older people will learn things that they should have learned much sooner...