If I Met Him in a Fetish Club, Does He Have a STD?

Thu, 11/02/2017 - 15:25
Submitted by Betty Dodson

Hi Dr. Betty,

First, thank you. You have helped me so much over the years.

I am 30. I am in a situation in which I have no idea what to do. I started seeing this guy a couple of months ago, and the sex is amazing. We connect on so many levels, though he has not verbally 'locked it down' into a monogamous relationship. I am traveling right now, and went to a fetish club. Wow. I met a man there and we danced. There was a lot of kissing and intimate touching. I felt something special and I am drawn in. He has offered to meet in private before I go. My first thought was 'yes', but then my friend told me how dangerous this is because he goes to fetish clubs and probably has an STD. Is this true, or stigmatizing a community?

Another friend told me I could get HIV from oral sex if I have a cut in my mouth. Is this true? I don't necessarily want penetrative sex, but other sensual experiences I am curious about. I have always been in long term relationships, so this would be my first strictly-sexual encounter. I don't want penetrative sex also because I do really like this other guy I have just started to see.

My questions are: 1. How dangerous is this situation, how should I approach it? and,

2. How should I approach this situation to both the man I want to encounter, and to the man I have been seeing for 2 months?

Thank you Betty.

Dear S,

Anyone in some kind of sexual club will most likely be safe due to multiple partners. These folks like sex and therefore usually take care of their sexual health. You owe no allegiance to either man, only to yourself.

It's usually best to keep your own council. In other words, keep your mouth shut. Enjoy sexual variety while you are young.

Dr Betty

Liberating women one orgasm at a time

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It's good you're exploring and reaching out

Fri, 11/03/2017 - 11:44
Martha B (not verified)

I think it is brave of you and good that you are permitting yourself to explore and reach out on behalf of your sexual pleasure and needs.  You definely do need to take care but such clubs can be a great way to openly and honestly meet others who match you, share your own particular sexual desires and practices. 
In fact, I met my own husband at such a club, Masturbation Mixer. No touching allowed and no obligations, just naked masturbation, wine, music and talk. Was a safe and open and honest atmosphere. We both share intense masturbatory needs along with similar interests and so we connected. We both love and support each other and masturbate often.  That's so important these days.


Fri, 11/03/2017 - 14:26

I second what Betty says. Kinksters (like me) get tested often and understand disclosure as part of Risk Aware Consensual Kink. 

Not everyone you meet at a club will feel the same way, but know that you have the right to ask and to walk away if someone doesn't negotiate in good conscience. 

Kinky or vanilla, there are people who are responsible with their sexual health and the health of any partner they may have. 

I don't agree with this advice at all. There is no proof, first

Fri, 11/10/2017 - 10:57
lsjb (not verified)

 I don't agree with this advice, at all.  First, there is no research to suggest that having a lot of sex, with casual partners, is more safe than any sex with any partner.   And more importantly, I think, focusing on self pleasure as the most important determinant of all decisions, is frightening.  We are all connected and we are all human.  Respect for self and for others is the cornerstone of civilization -- which is already well under attack in the worl today.  
Advising this young woman to simply do what she pleases with no regard for anyone else, is simply bad advice.
and yes, you could get an STD if you have a cut in your mouth.


Sun, 11/12/2017 - 12:56

It is no more and no less dangerous than sex with anyone else. Both guys present a risk. Your friend most certainly was unreasonably stigmatising a community but perhaps worse was being incredibly naive.

People have sex with all sorts of people. They don't stay within a box marked "fetish" or "straight" or "other" and neither do STDs. One of the largest increases in STDs in the UK has been amongst pensioners, straight, white, middle class pensioners!

Not even granny is safe and never has been.

So all sex, like life, comes with a risk and part of being grown-up means recognising that risk, taking care and getting tested and treated if necessary.