How Do Threesomes Happen and What Is Group Sex?

Wed, 02/24/2010 - 16:29
Submitted by Eric Amaranth

Here's the cut and pastes from a facebook discussion between me and my online friend, Mariah, on how challenging it is to make a threesome happen and settling a debate she was having with a friend on what constitutes group sex:

Mariah: Just read Part 3 of your Threesome blog post. Hot stuff! I think I'm
coming to NYC in October. Yay! Would love to meet face to face if time
permits. I'll let you know more deets when I have them. Hope all is
well

Amaranth:
mm hmm... it was. I miss sex like that. Been way way too long. It's one reason out there for open marriage, for those who are open. Not that that's not easier said than done.
Mariah:
Please don't take this the wrong way, but if you like it so much, why
has it been so long? You seem like the type that would find a way to
get what you want in your sex life.
Amaranth:
It's much more difficult to create a threesome than you think. Many
possible barriers: One person may be up for it and their significant other isnt.
The woman you want to do it with doesnt want to. Jealousy issues for both genders. She doesnt have any
gf's who want to. The women you've had great threesomes with are presently out of your personal life. Are there issues of uncomfortableness? Then, there's the MFM stuff. Do I know a man (who is available and not in a monogamous relationship) who I trust with a lover of mine? Is he going to play
ball or take over? How good is he in bed? Does the other guy have issues with me getting down
with his woman if they are a couple? If so, what rules apply to what we can do? The subtle issues go on and on and
often pancake on top of each other. Threesomes happen more often when
singles are high on drugs or alcohol, unfortunately, because they say
fuck it and it happens out of nowhere. I want women who will go there
sober. It's legally safer too. I've had experiences with lovers who say they want to do them, I let her know i have possible partner(s) who are
interested, and then my lover doesn't pursue it. It's tough! And then there are the people who would do it
but aren't good at threesomes and if you try to guide them they ignore you or get
pissed, which makes for a blah threesome. Also, I've been with couples who are perfectly okay with me having sex with the woman in their partnership but not doing an MFM threesome with them. The list goes on.
I will also add, that threesomes are not always awesome when you do them. In my professional opinion as a sex life consultant, threesomes are most often successful, or great, if some format is observed. Freestyle threesomes are chaotic by nature and while chaos can be hot, it can also have an unexpected potential to fall flat for at least one of the persons involved. I remember I heard a story told to me that an old school porn star, Tom Byron, once reportedly said that he's had tons of threesomes on and off camera and only a handfull of them were great. I think you can improve your odds dramatically, and I feel like that's a fairly accurate estimation of threesomes. I've had my lover Olivia tell me they are more often a bit more work than they're worth especially without a design.
Mariah:
I think it's fascinating how there are so many different types of
sexual red tape. I know that I have mine. But, since the topic is
threesomes... For example, I'm 99% sure my boyfriend would be fine/want a
threesome with me and another girl, or him and two girls, but he would
never go for me, him, and another guy, or, him, any other girl, and
another guy. Conversely, I would be fine with me, another woman, and my boyfriend, or me and two other guys, or even me, another guy and another
girl, but I would be wierded out with me, my boyfriend, and another guy,
because I think I would be so concerned about my boyfriend that I
wouldn't be able to enjoy it. However, as far as interested parties go,
I think it would be easier to find two girls that would be up for it as
opposed to two men. I can think of many men I know that would be all
over a FMF, and I even know a few girls that would also be up for it.
However, I don't think I know any men that would even consider a MFM.
Well, except for you apparently, but since I don't actually know-know
you, I can't count you.
Moving on to a similar topic, maybe you can
settle a debate between me and my friend. We're arguing over when you
stop using "some" at the end of the number of people having sex, and
when you start saying orgy. I know - semantics - but we're dorks. Now
this obviously is discounting when there are just multiple partners,
threesomes, etc. in the same room having sex. I say you can say
threesome or foursome, but after that it becomes an orgy. The
opposition is saying it has to be 6 or more people. Your thoughts?
Amaranth:

It's more about what's happening than the numbers. If all 4 people have
sex together, then it's a 4some. If it's two couples, it's now closer
to the smallest version of group sex. Group sex is defined by how many
pods of however many people there are having sex together. If you have
three couples that do or dont change partners, having sex in three separate pods, two people in each pod having sex, you have group sex. That
vs. say, 6 people, 5 of which have their hands and genitals in the mix
to target the pleasure onto one individual. Then people rotate in and
out. That's more like a sixsome because there is only one sex act pod
going on. If you had the 6some and a threesome that's not involved in
the same sex act doing their own thing beside them, that's group sex. In my opinion.
Mariah:
So neither one of us is right. Damn. Leave it to a sex consultant to
take all the fun out of sexual semantics debates. Just kidding! That
was very informative.

Eric Amaranth's Blog

Subscribe to Eric's RSS feed

Eric Amaranth's Bio and Feature Article in Marie Claire Magazine.

Contact Eric for a consultation

To set up a consultation via phone, call 1-866-877-9676

Follow Eric Amaranth on Twitter

Join Eric Amaranth's Facebook Page

Sex life coaching and neo-male perspectives.

Comment viewing options

Select your preferred way to display the comments and click "Save settings" to activate your changes.

"...some format is observed"?

Sat, 05/08/2010 - 05:46

I find this so very interesting because my boyfriend and I are looking for a FMF - a female to join in with us, for the first time. We've both been interested in it for quite some time, and we've talked about it at great length. For example, it would be fine if he had sex with this other girl, we could both go down on her, she could do the same for us, etc. And we've felt that as long as it doesn't become too focused on one person we should be able to avoid the jealousy issues, but if that comes up later we'll talk about it and figure it out. It would basically be a learning experience at first, decide if we like it or not, and then go from there. You brought up some kind of observable format to try to make things better and run smoother and was curious as to what you mean by that, or if you could give some examples.

~Corri

"May you be like the lotus flower, rooted in
yet emerging from the murkiest of waters."

Post new comment

The content of this field is kept private and will not be shown publicly.
By submitting this form, you accept the Mollom privacy policy.