The More Open Person in the Relationship Can Get Shut Down by the Closed, Afraid Person

Sun, 09/30/2012 - 08:58
Submitted by Lawrence Lanoff

I did a tantric session on a friend last night. Her energy was very shut down and hurt from a recent break up. It wasn’t as much the break up as it was what happened to her over the course of the year. I know her to be a vivacious woman, yet she was coming to me far removed from that power.

Sadly, I see this pattern so often. One person’s sexual expression is restricted and controlled by another partner’s sexual limitations, cultural programmings, lack of experience or personal insecurities. The more open person in the relationship can get shut down by the closed, afraid person.

In scanning her body, I noticed there was a ton of blocked energy, even pain in her womb. I noticed that her body had taken on the sexually repressed energy of her ex-partner. as if it was her own sexual guilt and shame. His puritanical thinking restricted her sexuality in her physical body. I could see the energy in her womb was completely shut down.

When I read an energy, it’s as if I experience it in my own body. I let my mirror neurons work their magic and tell me exactly what it feels like inside this person’s experience. In this case, when I felt into my own womb, and I felt numb and ashamed.

I reported this back to my friend. She nodded in agreed. I also noticed quite a bit of sexual guilt. Once we defined the energy, we went to work – for about 3 hours. I taught her a technique that I learned while leading a ritual in Hawaii created to make offerings to Pele - The Goddess of Fire. It was from her that I realized the power of molten lava as a transformational metaphor.

Molten lava, visualized swirling in the womb, absolutely destroys all guilt, shame, blame, and sexual restriction. It vaporizes it! It’s amazing to see and feel. Suddenly, where there was all this gunk, shame, restriction, guilt - there is openness and freedom.

Flow represents our natural state of health. Flow is power. Flow is empowered thinking. Molten lava is a powerful flow-metaphor for the natural transformational state of the womb, shifting from a storehouse of sexual shame and guilt, to a powerhouse of fiery-fearlessness and freedom.

President of Pleasure. Buster of shame and myths.

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Very interesting. Can one

Sun, 09/30/2012 - 09:29
Elin A (not verified)

Very interesting. Can one practice this oneself by simply visualizing molten lava in one's womb?

Yes Elin

Lawrence Lanoff's picture
Sun, 09/30/2012 - 15:13
Lawrence Lanoff

For sure you can do this yourself. If you have ever done self hypnosis, or meditation, I suggest that's the best place to start. 
Relax and visualize bringing the lava up from the center of the earth through the feet and into the womb... Watch the gulit and shame vaporize in your mind's eye. 
I will also be leading this meditation LIVE at the Yoga, Sex, Feminism conference in Dallas, Nov 1-4th 

So true!

Fri, 10/05/2012 - 10:10

Dear Lawrence,
thanks for verbalizing this effect. I haven't yet thought about it as such a common thing. I'm usually the one being shut down or restricted. In fact, I am right now. It happens again and again and again. I don't want this to happen anymore - I'm working in it.
And I don't even feel guilty, not at all. But there are all those sexually closed/afraid people. Sadly.

Hey Stefanie

Lawrence Lanoff's picture
Fri, 10/05/2012 - 10:27
Lawrence Lanoff

I know... it's really sad to be driven by another person's fear/closedness... what, if anything are you able to do now to change the energy of the current situation?

Luckily I met someone new to

Sat, 10/06/2012 - 04:53

Luckily I met someone new to explore, kind of simultaneously. I'll try to take every step very slowly and be aware. So I have time to think, make better decisions and I'll try to not fall back into my old patterns. This will involve a lot of talking and honestry, but I'm very optimistic.


Lawrence Lanoff's picture
Sat, 10/06/2012 - 08:50
Lawrence Lanoff

make sure you learn/study NVC - non violent communication. It may be one of the best relationship tools ever... (I should probably do a blog on this)
Good luck... keep me posted!

not only in USA

Sat, 10/05/2013 - 09:28
little jo (not verified)

For me, flow represents the Energy. We're made out of vibrations that goes from outside to inside and vice versa. A bit like what you explain in your 30-days sexual breathing video, that circle... but in a much wider range.

I read your latest post about religion 'declitizing' women. I think there's much more than religion acting in that process... Whatever limitating beliefs, lack of knowledge and personal insecurities we carry might lead to shut someone's sexuality down I'm afraid... but not always for good, hopefully!

Here's my story is: I'm Belgian, raised in a house where sex is still a taboo and a source of shame for whatever reason (my mom is Catholic, but my brother and I have been raised in a an-religious way). Lack of luck, my clitoris wasn't sensitive and except that yummy feeling I had when climbing the rope at the gym-class, no signs of a sexual activity and no girlfriends nor lovers to help me through, only shame... I was cut from my roots and my inner power, from my inner-self, from my inner-guidance. And I didn't have access to all the goodies orgasms provide like creativity and self-confidence, I was so full of diffused anxiety I began very young to use sleeping pills - and later on heavy drugs by taste and choice, I don't consider myself as a victim at all but these addictions were desensitizing my whole body, thus my sexuality. I had a 20 years-long partner very much into sex and very good lover but I guess our both unawareness (he's always been faithful to me!) didn't help. At around 50 I was having a real break-down, I thought I was going crazy. To make a long story short, I knew there was something missing and I wanted to know what an orgasm felt like, which I now know, and ultimately discovered my vertebral colums. It was the beginning of a totally new perception of life itself and of a possibility to be happy. I'm on my way :)

p.s.: The title of my comment is 'not only in USA' because I've noticed how different our both mores are, even if in both sexuality isn't celebrated, possibly for religious reasons as well. But what about the other people on earth, are the Brazilians and the Japanese as liberated as I think and what about the Indian, Chinese and African cultures? That could give us a clue about the exact reasons for being sexually shut... and how to avoid it for the next generations to cum ;-)

Shame is a killer, and even worse for girls

Sat, 10/05/2013 - 13:43

Littlejo and Lawrence, thanks very much. 'Christianity is the religion that made love a sin,' as a historian of religion once wrote. I found what an orgasm felt like when I was 11 years old, but as soon as I found out, the Catholic Church told me my discovery meant that I was going to Hell. Sheer terror made me give up any sexual activity for many years. As you said, I was cut off from my roots, my power, my inner self. Some version of this happens to nearly all of us in the Judeo-Christian world, and in other cultures too. Boys and men are brutalized by Christian anti-sexuality, but it's even worse for girls and women because the stigma of women as the 'source' of temptation and sin is still alive and well.

I remember sitting around with a group of male friends in high school. The conversation turned to a particular girl who was a bright and very likable young woman, and one boy said of her, 'She's really nice---too bad she's a whore.' What he meant was that she'd 'gone all the way' with her boyfriend, and the whole school knew about it. I was horrified to hear him talk this way about her or anybody else. Of course, this guy spent all his energy doing his very best to make 'whores' of all the girls he dated, but he was unable to carry his thoughts to that logical conclusion. He didn't seem to understand the crazy paradox of his own thinking---that this girl was a wonderful and likable person, but she was simultaneously worthy of universal contempt because she'd actually acted on her sexuality and possibly even enjoyed it---something which in Christian culture no decent woman is allowed to do. People aren't born with such a hatred of the erotic---we learn it. We owe these attitudes directly to the typical Christianity of the last two millenia. The wellspring of sexuality has been poisoned for over two thousand years. It's time to have that 'totally new perception of life itself' and reclaim our birthright as sexual human beings.

you are totally spot on there Patrick

Sat, 10/05/2013 - 19:04
little jo (not verified)

when saying it's even worse for girls...

Again, sad to hear what happens in the States, this certainly wouldn't happen in Belgium, when I was a teenager in high-school all the girls were jealous of the ones having a bf and knowing already what if feels like... No the big issue is that most little girls don't know so they don't communicate. And it's the same with the big girls 35 years down the road :/

But I agree 100% it's even worse for girls because we can just miss it all, if no-one cares... So a good sex-education available easily is the key. We've got to know our power lies within ourselves, in our womb, and is available if we want. 

Thank you for adding to this conversation...

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Sat, 10/05/2013 - 19:51
Lawrence Lanoff

I really appreciate what you are adding to this conversation... it's so disturbing to me to witness the hidden pain in people's bodies... I have a story to tell about this, but I'm about to celebrate a big birthday! So, a blog is coming on the subject... I appreciate you!

Thank you littlejo and Lawrence

Sat, 10/05/2013 - 23:57

My high school years were some time ago, and I don't think that kids today are as judgmental about being sexually active as they were when I was that age. But 'slut-shaming' is the direct descendant of the religious beliefs that demeaned women for being sexual. I think you're so right about the importance of full and complete sex education, which must include how normal and desirable it is to enjoy masturbation and orgasm and become experts on our own sexuality. This is important for all of us, but even more so for women given their history of being demonized and denounced. I do think that the Internet can be a portal to effective sex education if it's utilized properly, and it's my impression that young people care about much more than porn---both boys and girls also care about relationships and about how to get and maintain a happy and mutually fulfilling one.